1/3 of the sleep

The last week or so has been very long.  First, Hanna with her ear hurting (fluid), then Graeme with his ear hurting (ear infection), then both just getting sicker and sicker until we had to go back to the doctor on Saturday morning to get stronger antibiotics and steroids.  Everyone was feeling better yesterday and then coughed all night, so another phone call to the doctor for more steroids.  Poor babies.

But poor mom and dad too.  Yes, I'm asking for sympathy here, because when your babies are sick it takes twice as much energy, and on a third of the sleep.  Which means arguments and yelling at 2 a.m. because you just finally fell asleep for the third time when one of the children woke up from the incessant coughing, and its the other person's turn, or because you don't get up fast enough and the crying turns to screaming.  Or the sippy cup is downstairs or the tylenol is gone or the child just threw the tylenol at you or the child just dumped the albuterol, or .....

And 99% of it comes from this place of deep exhaustion, both physically and emotionally.  We all just want to feel better and get some sleep.  We have work tomorrow.  I don't think we want to be mean, but we can be.

And there it is.  Part of me wishes I didn't have work so I could stay home and love on my babies.  And even as I sit at work and try to wake up, I'm wondering if I should have taken another sick day.  But then my students come in, and I feel alive again.  I dug out a lesson I haven't done in years, creating music using objects to represent sounds.  And watching the kids work together and creating their masterpieces makes it all better for a while.  This is why I teach, this is why we welcomed our fabulous child care provider into our family to love on our babies like they are her own, this is why it is good to step away from the children sometimes.  In a few weeks, this will be a memory, and it won't seem as bad as it feels right now.  I feel ready to go home and take care of my babies.

F*** Cancer

I've had "The Long and Winding Road" by the Beatles in my head for a few days.  I feel like our road has taken another twist with my mom's breast cancer diagnosis.  I know so many people who have been on a similar road with their mothers, grandmothers, sisters, daughters, aunts, etc.  I think you'd have to live in a cave to not know someone who has been affected in some way.

The way ahead is so uncertain.   Maybe this will take care of it, maybe not.  I had a feeling when mom told me she found a lump.  And tried to assure me that it was just a cyst.  And yet, here we are.  Sitting in a waiting room outside of an operating room watching "Bonanza," while we digest our hospital cafeteria food.

As I was talking to mom in pre-op I noticed how much older she suddenly seems.  She has had quite the winding road, between her Crohn's Disease, broken bones, complications and side effects from medications.  And she is still 95 pounds of strength and tough, generosity and caring.  But, how much more of all of that can her body take?   Hasn't she had enough?

And so we continue down the long and winding road, that at least is certain.  Where will this twist take us?   What will be around this bend?  Will it lead us home, like in the song?  What is home?  It seems that this episode of "Bonanza" is fixing itself.  Will our road straighten?  We'll stay tuned.